The End

[Prologue:

Craphole Island is srsly guys, it's the goddamn series finale. If you don't know what happened "Previously on Lost," you should not even be watching.]

Oceanic Airlines is sup? No plane crashes today, no sirree! Just a cargo dropoff!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is doing work without getting all emotionally involved and traumatized, for once in his life.

The Audience doubts that, but whatever.

Jack Shephard is washing his face. Now that I'm the new Jacob, I can stop and take a breather.

Oceanic Airlines is still working on that cargo dropoff.

The Audience is not impressed with how effing long it is taking them, but whatever.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is getting coffee with his one good arm. At least those bitches remembered to remove the filter and make a fresh pot this time!

Benjamin Linus is loading his gun. Hooray for possibly killing people tonight!

Not Locke is winding himself some rope. The better to strangle these mofos with, my dear!

John Locke 2.0 is saying good riddance to his wheelchair before he goes into surgery.

Locke's Wheelchair is WAHHH DON'T LEAVE ME.

Oceanic Airlines is STILL working on that cargo dropoff.

Christian Shephard 2.0 is for reals, y'all. My body just wants to go home so I can terrorize Jack some more!

James Ford 2.0 is putting his sexy detective's badge on before work. Broken mirror on the wall, who's the hottest of them all?

The Audience has been asking that question for SIX FUCKING YEARS. (Along with many others that may or may not get answered tonight.)

Sawyer is tending to Kate since Jack's busy.

Oceanic Airlines is hard at work doing their thang.

The Audience is pshh, doubtful.

Christian Shephard 2.0 is aha, now we're FINALLY getting somewhere.

Kate Austen is letting Sawyer tend to her wound.

Sawyer is hey, remember back in the day when I got shot in the shoulder?

Kate Austen is aw, yeah, you almost died and I was very upset!

Kate Austen 2.0 looks like she wants to die, because that would be far less annoying than waiting in the car.

Jesus Statue is sup?

The Audience is hey, Oceanic has finally arrived! It's about damn time!

Kate Austen 2.0 is whatever.

Oceanic Airlines is unloading the "human remains."

Christian Shephard 2.0 is ahem. I have a NAME, you know...

Desmond Hume 2.0 is hey, you need somebody to sign for that?

Oceanic Airlines is uh, do you work here?

Desmond Hume 2.0 sure does!

Oceanic Airlines is um, are you a priest?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is heh. In another life, brotha! Go take the human remains to the back.

Oceanic Airlines is hey! He has a name, you know.

Kate Austen 2.0 is ohmigosh, I am so bored.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is baaaaaack!

Kate Austen 2.0 is so, who died?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is oh. He did in fact have a name...Christian Shephard!

Kate Austen 2.0 is LOLWTF. CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD? Seriously?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is seriously.

Kate Austen 2.0 is LMAO!!!! Was this "Christian Shephard" (HAHAHAHA) a friend of yours?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is um...not exactly...

Kate Austen 2.0 is so fucking confused. You busted me out of JAIL, randomly gave me a dress to put on so we can go to a CONCERT, and you won't even tell me why we're here?

The Audience is yep, that sounds about right.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is um, no one can tell you why you're here. Least of all me.

Kate Austen 2.0 is are you fucking kidding me? You brought me here!

Desmond Hume 2.0 is not talking about the church, thank you very much. I'm talking about HERE.

Kate Austen 2.0 is what the fuck. Who the fuck are you? What the fuck do you want? How many more times am I going to say the word fuck?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is your friend you idiot, even if you don't realize it.

Kate Austen 2.0 is um.

The Audience is damn Kate, if you don't want to be Desmond's friend, we will!

Desmond Hume 2.0 wants to leave.

The Audience is um, you're the one driving the car, smart one.

Kate Austen 2.0 is yeah, what they said. Leave and go where?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is heh. Let me show you.

Kate Austen 2.0 is sigh, this guy is such a wacko.

Kate Austen is watching her favorite wacko stand in the water.

Jack Shephard is standing in the water like a wacko. I feel AWESOME today!

The Audience is uh...don't get used to it.

Kate Austen is ah, poor delusional Jack.

Jack Shephard is shut up, I can be as weird as I want. I am SEXY, dammit!

The Audience is true story.

Sawyer is what the fuck ever. You okay?

Jack Shephard is quite fine, actually. You?

Sawyer is eh, I've been better. I'm kinda wondering what the hell just happened up here.

Jack Shephard is LOLZ, that makes two of us.

The Audience is um, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD.

Sawyer is so. You're the new Jacob, eh?

Jack Shephard is damn straight!

Sawyer is so...do you feel any different?

Jack Shephard feels awesome! But other than that, not really.

Sawyer is ohmigosh, I'm still going to have to spell it out for you then. Can you PLEASE come down off the MOUNTAINTOP and tell us what the BURNING BUSH had to say for itself??????

The Audience is really going to miss these Sawyer moments...

Jacob told them to go to the bamboo forest to find the place they have to protect.

Kate Austen is um. So what is this place exactly?

Jack Shephard has no fucking idea. Except it's called the "heart of the island." It's a light.

Kate Austen is um. I'm more confused than I was before.

The Audience is um, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD.

Hugo Reyes is confirming that the Locke Smoke Thing wants to put the light out.

Jack Shephard is yeah, pretty much. Stupid Locke Smoke Thing!

Hugo Reyes wants to know what happens if Locke Smoke Thing is successful.

Jack Shephard is duh, then that's it for all of us.

Hugo Reyes is crap.

Sawyer is son of a bitch.

Kate Austen is um, why hasn't he put it out yet then?

Not Locke ain't got what he needs. (Oh yeah, and STOP CALLING ME LOCKE SMOKE THING!)

Sawyer is guessing Smocke (hey, you didn't put a ban on that nickname!) needs Desmond.

Jack Shephard is HEY! How come you know something I don't?

Sawyer was headed there before your inauguration, dumbass.

The Audience is HEE, inauguration!

Sayid Jarrah said Smocke tossed Dez in a well.

Jacob didn't mention Desmond to Jack.

Sawyer is um, he didn't say anything about ANYTHING!

Hugo Reyes is true story. He's worse than Yoda.

Jacob is hey! In my defense, I had limited time before my ashes burned out!!!

Sawyer wants them to go to the heart of the island while he fetches the magic leprechaun out of the well.

The Audience is HEH.

Jack Shephard will be sure to leave a trail for Sawyer, if he can follow it.

Sawyer is HEY! My tracking skillz have much improved since my days of pig and frog-stalking!

Jack Shephard is okay, okay. Be safe now, otherwise I get Kate! Heh.

Sawyer would invite Kate, but that would take all the fun out of him telling her she can't come.

Kate Austen is ah, I guess I'll just have to resist the urge to follow you anyway.

Sawyer is heh.

Hugo Reyes has a bad feeling about this.

The Audience is um, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD.

The Audience is SQUEEING at the credits that have (almost) every major Lost character THERE EVER WAS.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is ohmigosh, kill me now plz.

Sayid Jarrah is shut up, at least you haven't exploded yet.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 doesn't know why they got him out of prison, what they want, or who they are, so he really can't be held responsible for whatever shenanigans go down.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is whatever dude.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is uh, why do you have a tranquilizer gun?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is aw man. None of this is ringing a bell, is it? That's so sad! Sayid, you used to be like the king of tranquilizer guns!!

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is um, you're insane.

The Audience is sigh. Sadly, he isn't. It's just another day on Lost.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is insane, whatever. Just wait here.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is pshh, what if I don't?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is eh, it's your choice. But if you do stay, you'll be happy you did. Hehehe.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is sigh. What have I gotten myself into?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is knocking on a motel door.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is oh look, it's Charlie!

Charlie Pace 2.0 is ahem. Even in my currently wasted state I understand the concept of a Do Not Disturb sign, but apparently you do not. By the way, who the fuck ARE YOU?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is LOLZ.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is um, why are you grinning like a sodding idiot?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is heh, never mind.

Charlie Pace 2.0 has a concert to perform at tonight.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is here to pick him up.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is yo, where's Widmore's other monkey? Cuz I already told him I don't give a fuck about the sodding concert.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is hmm. What if I told you that playing this show is the most important thing you'll ever do? Would you come?

Charlie Pace 2.0 is SOD OFF.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is sigh. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is either getting tranq'd or passing out from too much booze.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 doesn't particularly care which, as long as I can manage to stash you in my trunk.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is oh. That was Charlie.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is sigh. Why do I even bother asking? The answers never tell me anything.

The Audience is LOLZ, get used to it.

Kate Austen wants to know why Jack took the job. You're gonna be working like, all the time, and I'll never get to see you!

Jack Shephard was supposed to, duh.

Kate Austen is um, some weirdo wrote our names on a wall. I hardly think that means you were SUPPOSED TO.

Jack Shephard took it because the island's all he's got left. It's the only thing in my life I haven't managed to ruin.

The Audience is true. Awh, but true.

Kate Austen is pshh, you haven't ruined anything.

The Audience is um, Kate? Have we been watching the same show?

Jack Shephard is srsly.

Kate Austen is puh-lease, nothing is irreversible.

Hugo Reyes thinks this would be so sweet if we weren't all about to die.

Jack Shephard is damn. When did he get all cynical?

The Audience is um, maybe after ALMOST EVERYONE AROUND HIM DIED????

Jack Shephard is whatevs.

Kate Austen is you know, maybe he has a point!!!

Not Locke is still fiddling with his rope.

Sawyer is creeping on him.

The Audience is uh, Sawyer? We're just thinking out loud here, but: that's probably not a good idea.

Benjamin Linus is you know, they're totally right. As long as you're watching, why don't you join us?

Sawyer is son of a bitch.

Not Locke is sup? What are you doing around these parts?

Sawyer heard Desmond fell in a well. I'm here to help him out. Oh, wait. Somebody already beat us to it.

Not Locke is uh, yeah.

Sawyer is oh well.

Not Locke is so. You know why I'm here?

Sawyer is um, duh, you need Desmond to destroy Craphole.

Not Locke is ah, good guess!!

Benjamin Linus is wait, he was serious about that?

Sawyer is uh, so lemme get this straight. You're just gonna go down with the ship? I figured suicide was for Pansy Monsters, not Smoke Monsters!

Not Locke isn't going down with anything, asshole. So you and your fellow Candidates can suck it and go down yourselves.

Sawyer is LOLZ, that would be great, but we're not Candidates anymore!

Not Locke is WHAT.

Sawyer thinks violence is always the answer when it comes to stealing shit from Ben.

Benjamin Linus is wahhhhh, why is it always me???

Not Locke isn't even going to dignify that with a response.

Sawyer is later!

Benjamin Linus is um...aren't you going to go after him? I'm bleeding here!

Not Locke is you fool, you're always bleeding. And FYI, I don't NEED to go after him.

Benjamin Linus thought Smocke was speaking figuratively when he was going on and on about destroying Craphole.

Not Locke is heh, cuz I said you'd be in charge when I was gone?

Benjamin Linus is well...yeah...

The Audience is oh Ben.

Not Locke is sorry if he left out the part about the island being on the bottom of the ocean. But you can totally join me so we can be ON A BOAT together.

Benjamin Linus is um.

Not Locke is shit man, once we get good old Desmond to do what we need him to do, we can sail the fuck away from this godforsaken place! Hehehe, and we can watch it SINK!

Benjamin Linus is um.

Not Locke is hmm. I think there was a dog here.

The Audience is VIN-CENT! VIN-CENT! VIN-CENT! VIN-CENT! VIN-CENT!

Vincent is making his much-anticipated finale appearance. That's right bitches, you know I'm the awesomest character there ever was! Ohhey, time to wake Dez up.

Desmond Hume is aw, come on, five more minutes!

Rose Nadler is uh, no. It's time to get up.

Bernard Nadler is seriously, stop being a lazy ass. Did you sleep okay?

Desmond Hume is yeah, this shit's practically a four-star hotel! Definitely much better than the bottom of a well.

Bernard Nadler is for sure.

Rose Nadler is oh my goodness, are you going to feed him breakfast or what?

Bernard Nadler is yes, dear. C'mon Vincent, time to check the fish traps!

Desmond Hume is so. How long you two been living here?

Rose Nadler is well. We built it in '75, lived here for a couple years, then the damn sky lit up again. So who the fuck knows when the fuck we are now.

Desmond Hume is LOLZ, true story.

Rose Nadler doesn't mean to be rude, but after Dez eats he has to get the fuck outta here.

Desmond Hume is WHAAA???

Rose Nadler broke her and Bernard's rule with Dez.

Desmond Hume is um, what rule?

Rose Nadler is duh, we don't get involved with whatever shenanigans are going on here. We're not interested in the kind of drama you people always seem to find.

The Audience is heh, they have a point.

Desmond Hume is fair enough.

Vincent is sup, bitches? Did you miss me?

Bernard Nadler is back too.

Rose Nadler is yay, you got yourself a fish biscuit! Minus the biscuit, of course.

Bernard Nadler is sorry.

Not Locke is sup?

Rose Nadler is shit.

Desmond Hume is uh oh.

Benjamin Linus is following the Smocke like a little puppy.

Bernard Nadler is CREEPED. OUT.

Desmond Hume is finally getting his ass out of bed.

Not Locke is sup Rose? My knife wants to say hello.

Desmond Hume is oh shit. That knife's meant for me, ain't it?

Not Locke will make this simple.

The Audience is ha, yeah right.

Not Locke is shut up. Come with me or I'm killing them both right now.

Bernard Nadler is oh noes!

The Audience is OH NOES!

Desmond Hume is oh noes.

Rose Nadler is relax honey, you don't have to go with him.

Desmond Hume is uh, what?

Not Locke is ahem, could you people make up your mind? My knife is antsier than Ben when he's in a killin' kinda mood.

Benjamin Linus is true story.

Not Locke will make it hurt, motherfuckers!

Desmond Hume is shit.

Bernard Nadler is uh oh.

Not Locke is having a staring contest with Dez.

Desmond Hume is okay, FINE. But I want your word that you won't ever touch them.

Not Locke is sigh. Done.

Desmond Hume is okay. Now I'll do what you want.

Not Locke is hehe. Yes. You. Will. And don't you forget it! Do you even know where I'm taking you?

Desmond Hume is nope. But I'm willing to bet it's got a very bright light.

Not Locke is HOLD UP. What makes you say that?

Desmond Hume is hehe, just a hunch. Man, I love messing with your mind.

Not Locke is oh WTF, I did NOT just hear radio static.

Benjamin Linus is um.

Not Locke is WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, BEN?

Benjamin Linus is uh, what was what?

The Audience is heh. He's gotta get in a few more lies before the end of The End, doesn't he?

Not Locke is rawr.

Desmond Hume is hmm. The old smoke must be hearing things. Isn't that right, Ben?

Benjamin Linus is OH MY GOODNESS HOW COULD I FORGET TO TURN MY DAMN WALKIE OFF THAT I AM SO OBVIOUSLY HIDING FROM SMOCKE.

Miles Straume is trying to call Ben, but he's only getting his voicemail. Dammit Linus, pick up, I found Alpert!

The Audience is OMGZ.

Richard Alpert is ugh, I feel terrible.

The Audience is ALPERT ALPERT ALPERT ALPERT ALPERT ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALPERT ALPERT ALPERT ALPERT ALPERT.

Miles Straume is OHMIGOSH Ben, you are going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE for not picking up! Yo Alpert, you okay?

Richard Alpert is um, what happened?

Miles Straume is well - a) read the recaps & b) your dumb (but still hot, so plz don't yell at me fangirls) ass decided it would be a good idea to talk to the black smoke.

Smoke Monster responded to his dumb/hot ass by throwing him into the jungle.

Richard Alpert is oy, what was I thinking?? Is the Smocke still here?

Miles Straume is no, you idiot, we're still alive.

Benjamin Linus won't answer his damn phone.

Miles Straume needs to get the Alp some help.

Richard Alpert is uh, from where?

Miles Straume is fuck if I know.

Richard Alpert wants to make sure Miles still has the explosives.

Miles Straume is OMG DUH, it's fucking C4, you don't just leave that shit lying around!

Richard Alpert is okay good, we need to hurry up and finish what we started. Let's blow up the plane, y'all!

Miles Straume will be so glad when all these shenanigans are over.

Miles Straume 2.0 is looking rather dapper as he arrives at the concert venue.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is why oh why is my escaped prisoner self sitting in an EXTREMELY CONSPICUOUS YELLOW HUMMER????

Miles Straume 2.0 is YEAH!

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is oh good, we're getting out of here.

Miles Straume 2.0 is calling his BFF.

James Ford 2.0 is yo. Detective Ford speaking.

Miles Straume 2.0 is yo. I think I just saw that Jarrah guy.

James Ford 2.0 is oh, so you're at county lockup?

Miles Straume 2.0 is uh, NO. I'm at my dad's museum concert, how many fucking times do I have to tell you?

James Ford 2.0 is uh, then that couldn't have been Jarrah, dumbass, we shipped him off to county an hour ago.

Miles Straume 2.0 is um, no. I just called and apparently they never showed up.

James Ford 2.0 is WTF?

Miles Straume 2.0 is srsly dude, help me out a little.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 popped FOUR people in cold blood.

Miles Straume 2.0 is dude, there was only one witness left alive. Some Korean woman. You'd best make sure she stays alive.

James Ford 2.0 is yeah, yeah, Sun Paik. She's at the hospital. Enjoy your damn concert, I'll keep her safe.

Sun Paik 2.0 is yeah, you better!

Jin Kwon 2.0 is sup? How you feeling?

Sun Paik 2.0 is a little sore.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is well. That does tend to happen when you get shot. Oh hey, there's gonna be a doctor coming to look at the baby.

The Audience is dammit, if it is not Juliet, Darlton is going to hell.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is excited that they can leave soon if the baby's all right.

The Audience is dammit, if the baby is not all right, Darlton is definitely going to hell.

Sun Paik 2.0 is um. You realize that we're going to have to keep running from my father when we leave, right?

Jin Kwon 2.0 is shit, that's right.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is sup? Am I interrupting?

The Audience is okay Darlton, you have successfully avoided going to hell thus far.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is here to make sure the baby's okay. Oh hey, you must be the daddy!

Jin Kwon 2.0 doesn't know what she said, but I should probably just smile politely.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is oh wow, I'm an idiot, you guys don't even speak English! Sorry for babbling, I'll try not to do that too much. Okay now, if you'll just open your gown a little bit, this will be a little cold.

Sun Paik 2.0 is um, way to not babble.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is ready to ultrasound!

Sun Paik 2.0 is WHOA JULIET DID THIS TO ME BEFORE WHOA JULIET'S POINTING OUT WEE LITTLE JI YEON WHOA THE BABY WAS JIN'S WHOA.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is um. Are you okay?

Jin Kwon 2.0 is yeah, are you all right?

Sun Paik 2.0 remembers!!!!!

Jin Kwon 2.0 is um...remember what?

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is pointing out Kwon Baby 2.0.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is WHOA SUN IS IGNORING MY BLOODIED SELF WHOA I'M LEAVING ON THE RAFT AND SHE LOOKS SAD WHOA.

Sun Paik 2.0 is WHOA JIN'S COMING BACK TO ME WHOA WE'RE HUGGING WHOA.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is WHOA I'M TOUCHING HER PREGNANT BELLY WHOA.

Sun Paik 2.0 is WHOA I'M BRINGING JI YEON TO JIN'S GRAVE IN KOREA WHOA.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is WHOA THEY LEFT ME ON THE FREIGHTER WHOA.

Sun Paik 2.0 is WHOA I'M SCREAMING ON THE HELICOPTER WHOA.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is WHOA I'M EXPLODING ON THE FREIGHTER WHOA.

Sun Paik 2.0 is WHOA WE'RE REUNITING WHOA.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is WHOA WE'RE DROWNING WHOA.

The Audience is well, that's depressing, they're watching themselves die!

Sun Paik 2.0 is yes, that is a little depressing. I am in tears now.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is damn. That was intense.

Sun Paik 2.0 is EEEEEEK, did you see???

Jin Kwon 2.0 is yup!!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is so, did you see the little flutter right there?

Jin Kwon 2.0 is huh what?

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is aw, look at the baby's heartbeat!

Sun Paik 2.0 is crying hysterically.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is so, do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?

The Audience is LOL, Juliet is totally oblivious!

Sun Paik 2.0 is oh, it's a girl.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is um. Am I missing something here?

Jin Kwon 2.0 is yes, her name is Ji Yeon.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is well, that's a lovely name. But I am damn confused, because you two speak English just fine!

Sun Paik 2.0 is LOL how cute, she doesn't get it!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is um, well, congratulations. I gotta go, but I'll leave you two to sit here and hug and cry hysterically.

Sawyer is dashing through the jungle to catch up with the group.

Hugo Reyes is AHHH!!

Sawyer is calm down, it's just me.

Hugo Reyes is holy shit dude, warn us before you pop out of nowhere!

Sawyer is shut up, I found Smocke.

Not Locke is gonna destroy the island, bitches!

Jack Shephard was right, for once.

Kate Austen is damn.

Sawyer is hey, there's good news too.

Desmond Hume got out of the well.

Jack Shephard is eh, it doesn't matter. We're all going to the same place anyways.

Sawyer is uh, then what?

Jack Shephard is duh. It ends.

The Audience is well no shit Jack.

Sawyer is my sentiments exactly.

Kate Austen is sigh. This is so exhausting.

Jack Shephard is c'mon y'all, let's not waste time!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is chatting with J. Locke before surgery.

John Locke 2.0 is sup? You know you can call me John now, right?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is okay John! You nervous?

John Locke 2.0 is eh. You sure this is gonna work?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is damn straight!

John Locke 2.0 is really?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WELL. There is a chance I could kill you.

The Audience is nah, that's Ben's job.

John Locke 2.0 is LOLZ. Okay, let's do it.

Jack Shephard 2.0 will see J. Locke on the other side.

John Locke 2.0 is oh hey, did you find your father yet?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is yup! They called me this morning!

John Locke 2.0 is well good! I hope that brings you some peace.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is pshh, if I can fix you, that's all the peace I need.

The Audience is LOLZ, yeah right.

Richard Alpert is ready to go boating with Miles. Sigh, it's gonna be a hell of a storm.

Miles Straume is LOLZ, welcome to the club.

Richard Alpert is uh, what?

Miles Straume is LOLZ, do you mind?

Richard Alpert is um, YES, I mind you TOUCHING MY HAIR!

Miles Straume is LOLZ, looks like you got your first gray hair!

The Audience is LOLZ!!!!!!

Richard Alpert is WHAT THE FUCK? Oh, what the hell - LOLZ!!

Miles Straume is um...what are you smiling about?

Richard Alpert just realized he wants to live.

Miles Straume is um, good timing. Considering there is a very good chance we're all going to be dead soon...

Richard Alpert is still marveling over his gray hair.

Miles Straume is oy, don't be making me do all the paddling now!

Richard Alpert is oh. Right.

Miles Straume is WTF? What's all this crap doing in the ocean? And why do I hear - oh, there's a body, that's why.

Richard Alpert is oh my!

Miles Straume is hey, I hear another voice! Is it alive or dead?

The Audience sure hopes it's alive, because a hand just popped up out of the ocean and it is NOT time for zombie season yet!

Frank Lapidus is oy, could you mofos hurry up and help me already?

The Audience is OMGZ FRANKKKKKKKKKK.

Miles Straume is holy shit, it's Lapidus! Get him some water!

Frank Lapidus is srsly, I've been floating here like all day. But what the hell were you guys doing out here?

Richard Alpert is oh, you know, we're just going to Hydra Island to blow up the plane.

The Audience is oh, Alpert. Why would you speak such BLASPHEMY to Frank??

Frank Lapidus is FOR REALS! What do you wanna do that for???

Richard Alpert is dude, we gotta stop the black smoke from leaving the island.

Frank Lapidus is dude, if we leave, then THAT THING won't have a plane anymore! (Besides, it's fucking C4 - you don't wanna waste it!)

Richard Alpert is uh...and how are we going to leave?

The Audience is DUH ALP, HE'S A PILOT.

Frank Lapidus is um, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a pilot.

Miles Straume is LOLZ, THAT IS SO TRUE!

Not Locke is emerging from the bushes, wishing these people would stop calling him "that thing."

Desmond Hume is dude, wait up!

Jack Shephard is arriving with his peeps.

The Audience is OOO SHOWDOWN.

Not Locke is ooo, this should be fun.

Sawyer is oh jeez.

Jack Shephard is BRING. IT. ON.

Not Locke is heh. This is gonna be interesting.

Kate Austen is ooo, time to shoot the Smocke!

Sawyer is ohmigosh, Kate, YOU MORON!

Kate Austen is RAWR *BANG* YOU KILLED THEM *BANG* RAWR *BANG*.

Sawyer is dammit Kate, no more guns for you!

Not Locke is yeah, you might want to save your bullets.

Jack Shephard is sup?

Not Locke is ah. So it's you.

Jack Shephard is DAMN STRAIGHT.

Not Locke expected to be more surprised by his bro's choice, but whatevs.

Jack Shephard is sort of the obvious choice.

The Audience is true story.

Jack Shephard is pshh, he didn't choose me, I volunteered.

Not Locke is well, that was dumb. You here to stop me?

Jack Shephard can't stop the Smocke. So I'm gonna go with you.

Sawyer is jeez, way to be a pussy.

Kate Austen is for reals, at least I tried to shoot him!

Not Locke thinks Jack is a little confused.

The Audience is well of course.

Jack Shephard is not confused, thank you very much! Your big plan is to go to the bamboo forest to the place I've sworn to protect. Oh, and for some reason you think you're gonna destroy the island.

Not Locke is um, I "think"?

Jack Shephard is yup. Cuz that is so NOT what's going to happen.

Desmond Hume is hmm, mayhaps I should amble over to listen to this very important conversation.

Benjamin Linus doesn't know what the fuck is going on, but whatever.

Not Locke wants to know what's going to happen, since Jack is apparently SO intelligent these days.

Jack Shephard is bitch, I'm gonna kill you!

Not Locke is well.

Kate Austen is um, Jack, maybe you should rethink this?

Not Locke is ahem. And how do you plan to do that?

Jack Shephard is bitch, like I'm gonna tell you. It's a surprise, dammit!

Not Locke is LOLZ, okay. Let's get on with it, then.

Jack Shephard is damn straight!

Not Locke is sigh. You are so in over your head.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is hospital-ing.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is sup, Doctor?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is sup yourself, Doctor! I didn't know you were working today!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 just got done. Did you get the tickets for the concert?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is yep, here you go.

David Shephard is yo, Dad, did you remember the tickets?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is yup, I just gave 'em to your mom!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is why yes, I am indeed David's mom!

The Audience CALLED IT.

David Shephard is whatever. Who's gonna take your ticket, Dad?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is well, maybe you can take your Aunt Claire out of our house that we apparently have been holding her hostage in.

The Audience is well, the Others kidnapped her back in the day, so she's kind of used to it.

Claire Littleton 2.0 would love to get out of the house, thank you very much!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is why yes, I would love to meet this mysterious sister that YOU NEVER MENTIONED THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE MARRIED!

David Shephard is LOLZ, I love when these two crazy kids argue.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is calm down, I just met her like 2 days ago. But you're gonna love her.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is extremely pregnant.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is ooo, I like her already. Good luck on your surgery, Doctor! Now I must be all mom-like with my son.

David Shephard is jeez Mom, I have a tie for the concert, okay?

James Ford 2.0 is getting off the hospital elevator.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 just missed meeting her one true love.

James Ford 2.0 is looking for Sun Paik's room.

Not Locke is leading his peeps and frenemies.

Sawyer thinks Jack should be sharing something with the rest of them.

Jack Shephard is uh, like what?

Sawyer is um, your death threat to Smocke? What's the surprise?

Jack Shephard is going to tell Sawyer the surprise, despite the fact that Smocke is like THREE FEET AWAY.

Desmond Hume is the surprise.

Sawyer wants to know how that's gonna work.

Desmond Hume does too.

Jack Shephard doesn't know yet.

Desmond Hume is mmkay, well could you give me a heads up when you figure it out?

Jacob probably didn't tear Dez away from his adorable family just to have Smocke make him destroy Craphole.

Sawyer is wait, so Desmond is bait?

Desmond Hume is wait. I'M BAIT????

Jack Shephard is pshh, no.

Desmond Hume is a weapon. Ah, now that is far more acceptable.

Sawyer is um, that's a hell of a long con.

Not Locke is still leading the peeps/frenemies. Time to get out my trusty knife.

Kate Austen is oh crap, he's going to kill us.

Not Locke only wants a select few to join him from now on. Namely, Jack and Desmond.

Jack Shephard is hmm.

Desmond Hume is sigh.

Hugo Reyes is glad he doesn't have to go.

Jack Shephard is all right, let's do this.

Not Locke is okay.

Hugo Reyes believes in Jack.

Jack Shephard is aw, thanks!

The Audience is um...okay?

Hugo Reyes is what? I was just trying to make him feel better before he goes off with the murderous Smocke!

Not Locke is marveling at all the pretty bamboo. Oh, and it's gonna be a bad one.

Desmond Hume is what the fuck?

Not Locke is yay, we're here! Time for me to tie some rope to the tree.

Jack Shephard is yes, and it's time for me to tie some rope to the Desmond.

Desmond Hume is LOLZ. You know this doesn't really matter, right?

Jack Shephard is uh, what?

Desmond Hume is duh, Smocke destroying Craphole, you destroying him!

Craphole Island is uh, YES IT MATTERS!

Desmond Hume is whatever. When you lower me into the light, I'm gonna go somewhere else.

Jack Shephard is uh huh. Sure.

Desmond Hume is yeah, a place where we can be with the ones he loves! We're not gonna have to think about this damn island ever again!

Craphole Island is HEY!

Desmond Hume is seriously Jack. You wanna know the best part?

Jack Shephard is WHAT. I'm a little busy tying you up!

Desmond Hume is hey now, I was just gonna tell you that you're in this place too. We totally sat next to each other on Oceanic 815! And it was a damn good plane ride too. It never crashed!

Jack Shephard is yeah, right.

Desmond Hume totally spoke to Jack. And for once, you were happy! I need to find a way to bring you there. I like Happy Jack.

Jack Shephard is whatever, I tried that once. It was a massive fail.

The Audience is true story.

Jack Shephard is for reals. Whatever happened, happened.

Desmond Hume is aw, come on!

Jack Shephard is whatever, all of this most definitely matters.

Desmond Hume is grr, you fool.

Not Locke is so. Shall we?

Desmond Hume is whatever, I need to get away from this fool.

Jack Shephard is okay, let's go.

Desmond Hume is leading the way. Ooo, look at the pretty waterfall and light!

Not Locke is ah, it looks as fresh as it did back in the day when my brother dumped me into it!

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 doesn't know what the fuck they are doing here parked on some random street.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 isn't allowed to tell Sayid.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is um, what do you mean "not allowed"??

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is dude. There are RULES.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is um, whose rules?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is OMG, would you just shut up and trust me already? I trust you!

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 doesn't remember doing anything to earn this wacko's trust.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 thinks Sayid is actually a good guy.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is hmm, really?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is well, a lot of people may have told you that you're not, but that's no reason to start believing it!

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is um.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is dude, you can't let other people tell you what you are!

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 has to decide that for himself. But seriously. Hurley, you don't know anything about me!!

Hugo Reyes 2.0 knows A LOT about Sayid. Oh hey, look at those two guys fighting! Pretty gnarly, eh?

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is pshh. I could do so much better.

Blonde Woman is hey, leave my brother alone!

The Audience is OMGZ.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is um, why are we watching this again?

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is ahem. Can you please get yourself together and do something about this terrible, terrible situation?

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is oh, right. I suppose I should save that poor blonde woman!

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is damn, it's about time you realized that!

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is attacking that mofo. Come here blonde woman, it's all right now.

Shannon Rutherford 2.0 is hey, thanks! WHOA SAYID TOUCHING MY HAIR WHOA SAYID HELPING ME WITH MY LUGGAGE WHOA ME KISSING SAYID MULTIPLE TIMES WHOA. Oh wow.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is oh wow. WHOA SHANNON SMILING WHOA SHANNON KISSING ME WHOA.

Shannon Rutherford 2.0 is oh wow.

Nadia Jarrah is omg, that bitch!

Shannon Rutherford 2.0 is calm down. Oh wow. Sayid.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 is oh wow. Shannon.

The Audience is aww.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is aww.

Boone Carlyle 2.0 just got pounded, man. Way to take your sweet time!

The Audience is BOONE!!!!!!!!!!

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is LOLZ. It takes as long as it takes!

Boone Carlyle 2.0 is whatever. It was a pain in the ass getting her here from Australia. And I've been busy vamping out.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is oh hush. It was worth it, wasn't it?

Boone Carlyle 2.0 is yeah, I guess.

Shannon Rutherford 2.0 is making out with Sayid.

Boone Carlyle 2.0 wants to know if he should go get them.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is nah, let's give 'em a minute.

Boone Carlyle 2.0 is okay. I'll just stand here looking hot.

The Audience is AMEN.

Shannon Rutherford 2.0 is still making out with Sayid.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is aw, how cute. Even if Nadia is super pissed right now.

Hugo Reyes is chillin'.

Sawyer is offering Kate water.

Kate Austen is pshh, like I need to keep hydrated. It's not like I'm recovering from a gunshot wound or anything.

Miles Straume is JESUS FUCKING CHRIST LINUS ARE YOU FUCKING THERE WOULD YOU FUCKING PICK UP YOUR FUCKING WALKIE ALREADY?

Sawyer is WTF?

Benjamin Linus is sup? Sorry I missed you, where are you?

Miles Straume isn't interested in Ben's excuses. We're on Hydra Island. We're going to the plane.

Benjamin Linus is OMG WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T BLOW UP THAT PLANE.

Miles Straume is relax. Lapidus already put the kibosh on that plan. We're gonna fly it off the island, so get your ass over here pronto.

Frank Lapidus is what the hell?

Claire Littleton is grr.

Miles Straume is ooo, Claire.

Kate Austen is OMGZ DID YOU SAY CLAIRE? Is she okay?

Claire Littleton is NOT OKAY.

Miles Straume is um, can you put the gun down please?

Kate Austen is crap, I hope she doesn't shoot everybody.

Claire Littleton is DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, MOFOS.

Kate Austen is um...Miles?

Benjamin Linus hopes Claire doesn't shoot Miles' walkie.

Kate Austen wants to know what happened.

Claire Littleton thinks they were sent to kill her.

Richard Alpert is pshh, we're not with Smocke!

Claire Littleton is yeah right. Why should I believe you?

Richard Alpert is um, because I'm hot? Also, we have a real chance to get far away from him.

Claire Littleton is WTF?

Richard Alpert is seriously, we can go home!

Claire Littleton is hmm.

Richard Alpert is cautiously approaching Claire.

Miles Straume is dude, didn't you learn your lesson when you approached Smocke? I mean, Crazy Claire is like Smocke on steroids.

Richard Alpert just wants Claire to come with them!

Claire Littleton is fuck no.

Richard Alpert is COME ON. The ladies usually love me!

Desmond Hume is mesmerized by the waterfall.

Not Locke is okay, let's hurry it up and lower him down.

Jack Shephard is confirming that Desmond knows what to do next.

Desmond Hume is yes, yes, I go where the light's brightest. It's not THAT difficult.

Jack Shephard is hey. Don't get yourself killed.

Desmond Hume is yeah, you too.

Not Locke is um, I'm RIGHT HERE.

Desmond Hume is okay, okay, I'm going.

Jack Shephard is lowering Dez down.

Not Locke is making Jack do most of the work. LOL, does this remind you of anything?

Jack Shephard is um, what?

Not Locke is amused that Desmond is going down into a hole in the ground. Heh, if there was a button down there to push, we could argue about whether to push it or not! It would be just like old times!

Jack Shephard is um, no.

Not Locke is NOT Locke.

Jack Shephard thinks Smocke disrespects John's memory by wearing his face.

Not Locke is nothing like Locke.

The Audience is well. They both like blowing things up.

Jack Shephard hates to admit this, but...

John Locke was right about most everything.

Jack Shephard wishes he could've told that to J. Locke when he was still alive.

John Locke is aww, thanks! I'm glad I harassed you with my suicide note, it seems to have paid off!

Not Locke is pshh. He wasn't right about ANYTHING!

Jack Shephard is getting grumpy.

Not Locke thinks Jack will finally realize the truth when he drops into the ocean with Craphole.

Jack Shephard is well. We'll just have to see which one of us is right, eh?

Not Locke is heh.

Jack Shephard is hmm. Why does it feel like I'm doing most of the work?

Not Locke is um, because you are. Ooo, look at the pretty light...

Jack Shephard is ooo, it is pretty, isn't it?

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is in line for the concert with David and Claire. Oh damn, my phone. Oh DAMN, it's the hospital.

David Shephard is okay, go away.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 will be back as soon as she can.

David Shephard is okay Mom, you can go now.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 promises she'll get to know Claire better soon.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is okay, now leave me alone with my favorite nephew.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is passed out.

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is oy, wake up.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is ughhhhhh, what are you doing?

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is following the instructions, you idiot. You're in the band, aren't you?

Charlie Pace 2.0 is damn straight, how'd you know?

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is uh, maybe from this giant piece of paper on you that says BASS PLAYER WAKE ME UP FOR SHOW.

Charlie Pace 2.0 was shot by a fat man. Okay, okay, I'm up.

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is damn. You are SOOOOOO high.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is putting on his cute little tie.

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is hey, do you know where the band is?

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is OMG THE CUTE REDHEAD I'M IN LOVE WITH IS TALKING TO ME. Um, I mean, pardon me?

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 wants to confirm that the drunk over there is in the band.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is oh yeah, he's the bass player for Drive Shaft. They're accompanying me tonight. I'm Daniel Widmore, non-physicist and extremely talented piano player.

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is sup, I'm Charlotte.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 thinks it is a great pleasure to meet Charlotte.

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is yeah, you too.

The Audience is AWH, HOW CUTE.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is AHHHH THE CUTE REDHEAD I'M IN LOVE WITH WAS TALKING TO ME.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is making David lead the way to the table.

David Shephard wants to know if this is Table 23.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is yup!

The Audience is of course. OF COURSE they're at Table 23.

The Numbers are well, duh. You didn't expect us to just disappear for the goddamn series finale, didya?

Claire Littleton 2.0 is holy shit, it's Kate!

Kate Austen 2.0 is holy shit, it's Claire!

The Audience is holy shit, what a coincidence! NOT.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is wow, you two know each other? Ain't that something!

Claire Littleton 2.0 is shut up, you stalker.

Pierre Chang 2.0 wants everybody's attention. And y'all better give it, otherwise I am sending a polar bear after you.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is srsly, this is SOOOO weird.

Kate Austen 2.0 is I know, right? I mean, I'm supposed to be in JAIL.

Pierre Chang 2.0 would like to welcome you all to this very special benefit concert for the Golden State Natural History Museum.

Miles Straume 2.0 is clapping for his dad.

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is clapping for her boss. And also because she is extremely grateful that Miles' assy friend didn't come tonight.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 is clapping because she can, bitches.

Pierre Chang 2.0 thinks we have a special evening ahead of us.

The Audience is yes, yes we do.

Pierre Chang 2.0 thinks we should get to it then! And now, for the weirdest music combination known to man (which is of course why it is happening here on Lost): Daniel Widmore and Drive Shaft!

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is ushering Drive Shaft onstage.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 is okay, okay, I have a heart. I'm clapping for my baby boy too.

Desmond Hume 2.0 approves of the hijinks that will inevitably occur tonight. Hehe.

Charlotte Lewis 2.0 is aw, look how cute Daniel is!

Miles Straume 2.0 is um, okay.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is thanks guys!

Liam Pace 2.0 is ready to Drive Shaft it up.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is piano-ing it up, not giving a shit about the physics of it all.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is come on, come on, let's get to the hijinks.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is calm down, I'm not ready yet. I just now put my guitar on.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is hush, I'm piano-ing.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is huh what? I'm too distracted by the blonde girl in the audience.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is who, me?

Charlie Pace 2.0 is DUDE.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is um, why is the bass player staring at me?

Charlie Pace 2.0 is BECAUSE I LOVES YOU, DAMMIT.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is looking around to see who the bass player is staring at.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is hehe, the hijinks have begun!

Charlie Pace 2.0 is come on now Claire, I'm staring at YOU.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is hmm. I guess you are! OH FUCK.

David Shephard is um...are you okay?

Claire Littleton 2.0 is TOTALLY FINE. I'll be right back.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is oh noes, don't go!

Kate Austen 2.0 is uh oh. I better go with her.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is YES! THIS SHIT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!

Desmond Hume is all wet.

The Audience is YES! THIS SHIT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!

Desmond Hume doesn't know why there are skeletons down here, but whatever. That is the BRIGHTEST light I have EVER seen. And it's so pretty. I'm gonna go check it out.

The Audience is holy shit, that IS bright.

Desmond Hume can't wait to play with it.

Craphole Island is um, not just yet. The electromagnetism has to play with you first.

Not Locke is ooo, that sounds interesting.

Desmond Hume is um, no. Removing this damn corky thing is making Craphole flip the fuck out.

Craphole Island is true story.

Desmond Hume is ohhhhhh, my goodness. I am freaking exhausted now.

Craphole Island is oh hey, the light went out.

Desmond Hume is oh wow, it's not pretty anymore!

Craphole Island is looking particularly demonic right now.

Desmond Hume is nooooooooooo.

Jack Shephard is uh oh. That doesn't sound good.

Not Locke is HAHAHAHA, you were wrong!

Jack Shephard is DAMMIT!

Not Locke is HAHAHA. Goodbye Jack!!!

Jack Shephard is oh noes, earthquake!

Not Locke is ooo, how fun!

Jack Shephard is RAWR. MUST. PUNCH. SMOCKE.

Not Locke is OH NOES, I'M BLEEDING! I haven't done that in years!

The Audience is um, decades, actually. CENTURIES, even.

Jack Shephard is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you were wrong too! I must choke you now, mmkay?

Not Locke is bitch please, I'm hitting you in the head with a rock so I can scamper off with my precious backpack.

Jack Shephard is dammit, you suck.

Claire Littleton 2.0 would really like somebody to help her absurdly pregnant self find the bathroom right now.

Random Roadie Guy is um. You are so obviously in labor I cannot handle this.

Kate Austen 2.0 is dude, don't freak out, I'll handle it. Just go get a doctor.

Random Roadie Guy is OKAY I WILL BABIES FREAK ME OUT.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is omg, he's such a baby.

Kate Austen 2.0 is true story. So, small world, eh?

Claire Littleton 2.0 is um...yeah. What the fuck are you doing here?

Kate Austen 2.0 is yeah, I keep asking myself that. Okay, let's get you off your feet now.

Claire Littleton 2.0 thinks he's coming.

The Audience is well DUH Claire.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is sitting back, enjoying a glass of wine while all the hijinks happen around him.

Jacob hopes that isn't his very special wine.

Liam Pace 2.0 is rocking out.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is piano-ing out.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 wants to have a little chat with Desmond.

The Audience is uh oh.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is oh goody.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 thinks Desmond should be afraid. VERY AFRAID.

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is dammit Mom, dammit Constant, can you please not interrupt my musical genius?

Eloise Widmore 2.0 thought she made it clear that Desmond was to stop this nonsense.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is what the fuck ever, I chose to ignore you.

The Audience is OOOOO, he is brave.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 is sigh, look at my darling musical genius son. Once they know...what then?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is duh, we're leaving.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 is NOOOOO. Look at my baby up there! He's so happy!

Daniel Widmore 2.0 is jeez Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 wants to know if Desmond is going to take her son.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is nah, not with me. And I won't take his redhead away either.

Eloise Widmore 2.0 is oh thank heavens! I want me some cute little smart grandbabies!

Desmond Hume 2.0 knows this. As does The Audience.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is hey, speaking of babies! Mine is like thisclose to coming out.

Kate Austen 2.0 is um...you should probably breathe. Help is...on the way.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is dude, it's happening RIGHT NOW.

Kate Austen 2.0 is AHHH.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is SHUT UP, YOU ARE NOT THE ONE IN LABOR.

Kate Austen 2.0 is um.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is ohhey, there's the girl I've been obsessing over!

Kate Austen 2.0 is gonna get Claire comfortable. Also: BREATHE. I AM BEGGING YOU.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is whoa. She's like...in labor.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is um, who the fuck are you?

Charlie Pace 2.0 is with the band.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is um, could you not stare at me plz? It was weird at the concert, but it is EVEN WEIRDER now that I am HAVING A BABY.

Kate Austen 2.0 is for reals, if you're gonna hang around you could at least get some water and blankets.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is okay.

Kate Austen 2.0 is gently reminding Claire that she should totally be pushing right now.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is so NOT ready for that.

Kate Austen 2.0 is yes, yes, we're both scared, so let's get over it. I can't do it without you, so PLEASE PUSH!

Claire Littleton 2.0 is okay FINE. I'm pushing, I'm pushing.

Kate Austen 2.0 is okay, that's good. Now let's try that again.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is pushing.

Kate Austen 2.0 is WHOA CLAIRE IS PUSHING IN A DIFFERENT OUTFIT WHOA.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is pushing pushing pushing. Can this baby PLEASE COME OUT NOW?????

Kate Austen 2.0 is still a little confused about what she saw.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT.

Kate Austen 2.0 is oh, right. Push again, please.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is pushing. AGAIN.

Kate Austen 2.0 is oh wow, now we might be getting somewhere! WHOA CLAIRE IS STILL PUSHING IN THAT OTHER OUTFIT WHOA I'M TELLING HER I CAN SEE THE HEAD WHOA CLAIRE JUST GAVE BIRTH TO AARON WHOA.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is well, can he plz come out now?

Aaron Littleton 2.0 is WAHHHHHHHHHHH. (Translation: okay, okay, I'm out, are you happy now?)

Kate Austen 2.0 is picking Aaron up. WHOA I'M PICKING AARON UP IN ANOTHER OUTFIT WHOA.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is hey now, I'M his mother, so hand him over!

Kate Austen 2.0 is okay!

Claire Littleton 2.0 is holding the bebeh. WHOA I'M HOLDING AARON IN THAT OTHER OUTFIT WHOA. Oh look, he's so cute.

Aaron Littleton 2.0 is WAHHHHHHHHHHH. (Translation: damn straight!)

Kate Austen 2.0 is awh.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is awh indeed. Look at the widdle Aaron!

Kate Austen 2.0 is yeah I know, right?

Claire Littleton 2.0 is crying tears of joy.

Kate Austen 2.0 is yep. My sentiments exactly.

Charlie Pace 2.0 brought a blanket.

Kate Austen 2.0 is omg, it's Charlie!

Charlie Pace 2.0 is um.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is sup Charlie? Look at widdle Turnip Head Aaron!

Charlie Pace 2.0 is um.

Kate Austen 2.0 is oh, thank you, by the way.

The Audience is yeah, even if you are a little late.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is um, it's just a blanket.

Kate Austen 2.0 is okay, well, just bring it to her.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is um...okay.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is thanks!!

Charlie Pace 2.0 couldn't find any water.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is what the fuck ever, let's hold hands.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is WHOA PREGNANT CLAIRE SITTING BY PLANE WRECKAGE WHOA IMAGINARY PEANUT BUTTER WHOA.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is yep. Me and Charlie have had some good times, eh?

Charlie Pace 2.0 is WHOA MEETING CLAIRE AKA THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE WHOA CLAIRE CUTTING MY HAIR WHOA ME BABYSITTING AARON AND GETTING A KISS FROM CLAIRE WHOA CLAIRE KISSING ME WHOA.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is what can I say, I enjoy making out with you.

Charlie Pace 2.0 is awh, Claire! Let's make out!

Kate Austen 2.0 is oh that is so cute. I wish I had somebody to make out with...

Charlie Pace 2.0 is oh, I'm sure someone will be along shortly.

Aaron Littleton 2.0 is hey guys, plz pay attention to me!

Charlie Pace 2.0 is awh, Aaron is so CUTE.

Claire Littleton 2.0 is I know, right?

Kate Austen 2.0 is yep.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is sup?

Kate Austen 2.0 is hey. Look at how cute the three of them are.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is yeah, they are SO CUTE. So, do you understand?

Kate Austen 2.0 is yep.

Desmond Hume 2.0 is good. So you know I won't be making out with you then.

Kate Austen 2.0 is yeah, yeah. So now what?

Desmond Hume 2.0 is hehe. Glad you asked.

Kate Austen 2.0 is uh oh.

Kate Austen is holy shit, what the fuck is happening?

Hugo Reyes is dude.

Sawyer is son of a bitch!

Benjamin Linus is damn!

Kate Austen is OWWWWW, my wound!

Sawyer is calm down.

Benjamin Linus is for reals.

Sawyer is srsly guys, WTF is happening?

Benjamin Linus has no idea. And for once, that is the truth. Oh, and Hugo? Ya might wanna move.

Hugo Reyes is dude, you're right. That tree was heading straight for me!

The Audience is WHAT THE FUCK. DID BENJAMIN LINUS JUST SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE?

Benjamin Linus is shhh, you're ruining my street cred. Also, I just got crushed by a tree, so maybe I need some karma, okay?

Jack Shephard is napping. Because it's not like any major shit is going down. Oh, wait...I'm getting up, I swear. It's not my fault this damn earthquake is trying to knock me down again. Oh dear, I need to find Desmond.

The Audience is yeah, good luck with that.

Jack Shephard is hmm. Maybe I should go find Smocke then.

Kate Austen is reassuring Ben that they will get him out from under that tree.

Sawyer is um, no. It's too damn heavy.

Hugo Reyes is come on dude, we have to try!

Sawyer is RAWRRRRRRR.

Benjamin Linus is owie.

Kate Austen still wants to know what is happening.

Sawyer is duh, you idiot, Smocke was right.

Craphole Island is going down, bitches.

Miles Straume is trying to reach Ben on the walkie yet again.

Benjamin Linus is um, I definitely can't reach it right now.

Kate Austen is okay, I'll do it.

Miles Straume is COME ON.

Kate Austen is yo Miles, is that you?

Miles Straume wants to know what the hell is happening.

The Audience is sigh. No one knows.

Kate Austen is for reals. No one knows what the fuck is going on. Are you with Claire?

Miles Straume is no, I wish. Um, I mean, yes, but she doesn't want to come with us.

Kate Austen is um, come with you where?

Miles Straume is oh, I guess I should have mentioned...

Frank Lapidus is working on the plane so they can take off.

Kate Austen is whoa. To that and to the RIDICULOUS EARTHQUAKE.

Benjamin Linus is ow.

Miles Straume is yo slowpokes! How much longer is it gonna be?

Frank Lapidus is calm down, I have a bunch of shit to do. It's gonna be like five or six hours.

Richard Alpert is pshh, I'd say it's more like you've got one before we're all fucked.

Miles Straume is okay, okay, I'll let them know that they need to get their asses over here in the next hour then!

Sawyer is son of a bitch.

Kate Austen is damn straight.

Sawyer is rawr, how are we supposed to get over there?

Benjamin Linus is ooo, I know!

Sawyer is oh yeah?

Not Locke has a boat that he is currently staring at from his position by the ladder on the cliff. Come to Smokey, little boat!

Jack Shephard is YO LOCKE.

Not Locke is oh jeez, not you again. Good thing I brought my knife. I think I'll just run toward you brandishing it like a maniac!

Jack Shephard is whatever, I can totally top that. I am going to take a GIGANTIC FLYING LEAP TOWARD YOU!

The Audience is congratulating Darlton on what may be the greatest cut to commercial ever.

Jack Shephard is continuing his GIGANTIC FLYING LEAP.

Not Locke is dammit, he made me fall.

Jack Shephard is HAHAHA, take THAT!

Not Locke is oh, you ass!

Jack Shephard is trying to choke Smocke.

Not Locke is um, no.

The Audience is yo Smocke, your knife's running away.

Jack Shephard is HAHAHA, you suck!

Not Locke is oh noes!

Jack Shephard is HAHAHAHAHA, now I can tackle you!

Not Locke is WAHHHHH, I want my knife!

Jack Shephard is um, no.

Craphole Island wants to join in on the fun by having a part of the cliff collapse into the ocean.

Not Locke is rawr, I want my knife. Ooo, I can almost reach it! YES! HAHAHAHA, TAKE THAT JACK!

Jack Shephard is dammit, you stabbed me!

Not Locke is SUCK IT.

Jack Shephard is ew, I'm all bloody.

Not Locke is um, get used to it. Oh, your neck looks so cute with a little blood gushing from it.

Jack Shephard is fuck you.

Not Locke wants Jack to know that he died for nothing.

The Audience is oy Smocke, STFU!

Jack Shephard is HAH! I have way more fans than you do!

Not Locke is um, no. Wait, why did I just fall to the ground after that gunshot?

Kate Austen saved you a bullet, motherfucker!

Jack Shephard is damn. I love you.

Kate Austen is yeah, I know.

Not Locke is UGHHHHH, getting shot HURTS.

The Audience is SUCK IT SMOCKE.

Not Locke is whatever, you're too late. This earthquake is gonna fuck up all your plans.

Jack Shephard is bitch please.

Not Locke is shit, why is it not earthquake-ing anymore????

Jack Shephard is you know what, I'm tired of listening to you. I'm just gonna kick you off the cliff now, k?

Not Locke is AHHHHHHHHH.

Jack Shephard is hah, you suck.

Not Locke is dead and gone...I guess now I'm off to join Voldemort in wherever he ended up...Smocke/Voldie 2012?

Voldemort is bitch please, it's totally gonna be Voldie/Smocke 2012. Except: DO NOT CALL ME VOLDIE.

John Locke 2.0 is nappin' post-surgery.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is being congratulated by the nurse for doing an awesome job fixing J. Locke.

Nurse is um, what the fuck happened to your neck?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is dammit, not again.

The Audience is OH DAMN. BLAME TEH SMOCKE!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is tending to his neck while he tends to J. Locke.

John Locke 2.0 is stable.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is gonna hop in the shower and see if he can catch up with David before the concert's over. Call me if you need me.

Nurse is um, Dr. Shephard?

John Locke 2.0 is waking up.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WTF?

Nurse is yeah, I know, but I swear I supervised the anesthesiologist!

John Locke 2.0 got the full dosage, but apparently could have used some more.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is sigh, I'll take it from here. Can you hear me, J. Locke?

John Locke 2.0 is huh what? Oh. Yeah, I'm awake.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is sup? You just had major surgery, so try not to move. Just relax.

John Locke 2.0 is bitch, don't tell me what I can't do. Um, I mean, it worked.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is well, I'm pretty awesome, so it went well, but we won't know how you responded...

John Locke 2.0 is um, dude, it worked...I can feel my legs.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is hush now with that crazy talk. It's highly unlikely it would happen that fast.

The Audience is um, it's J. LOCKE.

John Locke 2.0 is yeah! Can't you see me wiggling my toes?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is what the???

John Locke 2.0 is WHOA ME WIGGLING MY TOES AFTER THE CRASH WHOA ME CREEPING OUT PEOPLE WITH THE ORANGE IN MY MOUTH WHOA ME TEACHING WALT HOW TO THROW KNIVES WHOA ME IMPRESSING BOONE WITH MY MAD RAIN FORECASTING SKILLZ WHOA ME LOOKING AT THAT SMOKE BASTARD WHO STOLE MY LIKENESS WHOA.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is oh jeez, what are you going on about now?

John Locke 2.0 is DUDE. Did you see that?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is um, see what?

John Locke 2.0 is sigh. The good old days.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is um.

John Locke 2.0 is oh noes, you don't remember?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WHOA ME LOOKING DOWN INTO THE HATCH WITH LOCKE WHOA...oh no wait, that was nothing.

The Audience is way to be in denial, Jack.

Jack Shephard 2.0 just wants J. Locke to relax. We need to...

John Locke 2.0 is ah. What we need to do is go!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WTF? Um, no. You're in the hospital for crying out loud!

John Locke 2.0 is aw, come on! Will you come with me?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is you idiot, we're not going anywhere!

John Locke 2.0 just had extensive spinal surgery, not that he cares.

Jack Shephard 2.0 needs to go see his son.

John Locke 2.0 is um, you don't have a son...

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

John Locke 2.0 is oh, Jack. You don't have a son.

David Shephard is bye y'all...it was nice knowing you...*vanishes into thin air*...

Jack Shephard 2.0 is SHUT THE FUCK UP, RIGHT NOW!

Nurse is um, are you okay?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is ahem. Can you please get this fool J. Locke something to help him rest? I gotta get away from the craziness.

John Locke 2.0 is aw, come on!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is dude, leave me alone.

The Audience is LOL, this is just like their interactions back in the day!

John Locke 2.0 hopes somebody does for Jack what Jack just did for him.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is what the fuck, please stop talking now.

Kate Austen is helping Jack get away from the edge of the cliff.

Jack Shephard is dammit, I'm bleeding.

Kate Austen is oh, poor Jack.

Jack Shephard is eh, I'll be fine. Find me some thread and I can count to five.

Kate Austen is LOL.

Sawyer is sup?

Hugo Reyes is omg, Jack!

Sawyer is dude, what happened?

Kate Austen is duh - Smocke.

Not Locke is dead, dead, dead.

Sawyer is ooo, good riddance.

Kate Austen is yeah, it's over!

The Audience is eh, not quite.

Sawyer is oy, Jack looks terrible...but not as terrible as Smocke...oh shit, why is the earthquake starting up again?

Hugo Reyes is ow.

Sawyer is ugh, it sure doesn't feel like it's over.

Jack Shephard is still bleedin' over here, y'all.

Sawyer is yeah...I'm not a doctor.

James Ford 2.0 is visiting Sun in the hospital.

Sun Paik 2.0 is hi!!

Jin Kwon 2.0 is sup?

James Ford 2.0 is um, I'm Detective Ford from LAPD.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is ooo, good job! (But Detective LaFleur would sound so much better.)

James Ford 2.0 is um, thanks? Sun, I heard you were shot...I didn't expect you'd be checking out so soon.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is LOL.

James Ford 2.0 is hey.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is hello, Detective!

The Audience is awh, how cute.

James Ford 2.0 is a little confused, but just wants to know if they've seen Sayid.

Sayid Jarrah 2.0 has a ridiculous mugshot.

James Ford 2.0 thinks Sayid is gonna come after them. I'll get someone to keep an eye on you.

Sun Paik 2.0 is um...you don't have to do that.

James Ford 2.0 is huh? It's kind of my job to keep you safe.

Sun Paik 2.0 is calm down, I am safe.

Jin Kwon 2.0 is yeah, she has me.

James Ford 2.0 is um, okay?

Jin Kwon 2.0 will see you there.

James Ford 2.0 is WTF? See me where?

Frank Lapidus is still fiddling with the plane. I've gotta reset the electronics so it can work.

Richard Alpert is damn, all this modern technology is so complicated!

Frank Lapidus is oh damn, something's wrong. I need someone mechanical to help out ASAP.

Miles Straume worked for a contractor back in the day.

Frank Lapidus is okay, here's the instructions and some duct tape and shit to fix it with.

Miles Straume is um.

Frank Lapidus is dude. GO!

Miles Straume is c'mon Alpert, let's go.

Frank Lapidus is answering the walkie.

Benjamin Linus wants to know how it's going. How's your timetable?

Frank Lapidus is DUDE DON'T BOTHER ME.

Benjamin Linus is hmm. Sounds like they're making progress.

Jack Shephard is progress my ass.

Benjamin Linus is oh dear, more seismic activity!

Sawyer is son of a bitch.

Kate Austen is yeah.

Sawyer is dude, we gotta go NOW.

Kate Austen doesn't understand why all this shit is still happening - Smocke is dead!

Jack Shephard thinks that whatever Desmond turned off needs to be turned back on again.

Kate Austen is WHAT THE FUCK.

Jack Shephard thinks they all need to be on the plane if it doesn't work.

Sawyer is well DUH.

Kate Austen is WHAT? Jack, you have to come! You don't have to do this!

Jack Shephard is um, yes I do!

Kate Austen is NO, DAMMIT! Just let Craphole sink!

Craphole Island is STFU, bitch!

Jack Shephard is for reals, I can't just abuse Craphole like that!

Kate Austen is sigh, I guess he has his mind made up.

Jack Shephard is yep, I am so stubborn. Yo Sawyer! You think you can get the boat across the channel in time?

Sawyer is damn straight, I can manage it!

Jack Shephard is okay, let's shake hands.

Hugo Reyes is whoa. This moment is so epic!

The Audience is YES.

Jack Shephard is good luck, James.

Sawyer is thanks, Doc. For everything.

The Audience is AWWWWWWWWW.

Jack Shephard is wow.

Sawyer is yeah, yeah, yeah.

Benjamin Linus is handing the walkie over to Sawyer because he has decided to go down with the sinking Craphole.

The Audience is OH NOES! BEN!

Sawyer is dude, you're crazy.

Jack Shephard is srsly y'all, you should leave.

Hugo Reyes is no way. I'm with you, dude.

Jack Shephard is okay. I won't even argue with you.

Hugo Reyes is wow.

Jack Shephard needs Kate to go get Claire on that plane.

Kate Austen is yeah, okay. But you need to tell me I'm gonna see you again.

Jack Shephard is oh, you know I can't do that.

Kate Austen is WAHH. Then we need to make out.

The Audience is AMEN.

Jack Shephard is making out with Kate.

Kate Austen is making out with Jack.

The Audience is swooning.

Kate Austen loves Jack so fucking much.

Jack Shephard loves Kate so fucking much.

Kate Austen is crying.

Jack Shephard is trying to hold his stabbed self together.

Hugo Reyes is leaving with Jack.

Kate Austen is still crying.

Hugo Reyes is making sure Jack can still walk.

Benjamin Linus is tagging along.

Kate Austen is still crying...I'M SAD, OKAY?

Miles Straume is attempting to fix the plane.

Richard Alpert is holding the diagram for Miles like a good assistant.

Miles Straume is duct taping whatever was broken.

Richard Alpert is hmm. Can you fix it?

Miles Straume doesn't believe in a lot of things, but he DOES believe in duct tape. Okay, I think we're good.

Richard Alpert is um, the loud crashing noise begs to differ.

Miles Straume is ugh, let's hurry up and get the hell out of here.

Sawyer is letting Chesty know that he and Kate will be arriving shortly.

Richard Alpert hopes Sawyer was calling Frank "Chesty," and not him. But okay.

Sawyer is dude, we are going to the sailboat and then heading toward you. DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT US.

Frank Lapidus is whatever, we're getting off the ground while said ground still exists, so just hurry the fuck up if you want on this fucking plane.

Sawyer is DAMMIT LAPIDUS I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO Y'ALL...SON OF A BITCH.

Kate Austen is oh jeez, what now?

Sawyer is well. Apparently we need to hurry the fuck up, so I guess we're jumping.

Kate Austen is ok, see you at the boat.

Sawyer is KATE! OMGZ, WAIT UP!

James Ford 2.0 is strolling through the hospital halls. I could really use some grub, so I think I'll ask this guy where to go.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is oh. The caf's closed, but you can go to the vending machine down the hall.

James Ford 2.0 is thanks, doc.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is yeah, no problem.

The Audience is aww.

James Ford 2.0 is damn, something about him seems familiar...whatever, I need my Apollo bar...OMG WHY ARE YOU GETTING STUCK IN THE MACHINE????

The Audience is LOL, why is it that only Apollo bars get stuck in the machine?

James Ford 2.0 is son of a bitch, now I have to try to fetch it by sticking my hand up the machine.

The Audience is well, that sounded dirty.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is um, can I help you?

James Ford 2.0 is um, this is so not what it looks like. I'm a cop, not a con man, I swear!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 thinks maybe he should read the machine its rights.

The Audience is LOLZ, they are so perfect for each other.

James Ford 2.0 is LOLZ, that's funny.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is yeah, I know. Can I tell you a secret?

James Ford 2.0 is yes please.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is well. If you unplug it, and then plug it back in again, the candy TOTALLY drops right down.

James Ford 2.0 is hmm. Is that right?

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is oh yes. And, it's technically legal!

James Ford 2.0 is ohhhhhh, well ain't that exciting! I think I'll have to try it out!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is yeah, you do that.

James Ford 2.0 is unplugging...and causing a blackout. Oops.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is well, at least there's food. Here's your candy bar - it worked.

James Ford 2.0 is YES. Okay, hand it over...WHOA ME AND JULIET KISSING IN DHARMAVILLE WHOA ME CONVINCING JULIET NOT TO LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE CRAZIES IN THE SEVENTIES WHOA.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is whoa.

James Ford 2.0 is yeah, I'll say.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is rather confused.

James Ford 2.0 wants to know if she felt that.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 isn't sure if she wants to admit that she felt that.

James Ford 2.0 is yeah, me neither.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is um. We should get coffee sometime.

James Ford 2.0 only has one dollar left, thanks to that damn machine.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is oh. Well, we can go Dutch. WHOA WE CAN GO DUTCH WHOA.

The Audience is OMGZ!

James Ford 2.0 is WHOA LAFLEUR GIVING JULIET A SUNFLOWER WHOA.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is WHOA ME HUGGING LAFLEUR AFTER HE GAVE ME THE SUNFLOWER WHOA.

James Ford 2.0 is WHOA JULIET LAUGHING AT SOMETHING I SAID WHOA WE'RE SEXING WHOA WE'RE HUGGING WHOA WE'RE KISSING WHOA I'M STROKING HER FACE WHOA.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is WHOA I'M FALLING DOWN AT THE SWAN DURING THE INCIDENT WHOA.

James Ford 2.0 is WHOA I'M TRYING NOT TO LET YOU GO WHOA.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is WHOA YOU COULDN'T HOLD ON WHOA.

James Ford 2.0 is WHOA I'M SCREAMING FOR YOU WHOA.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is whoa.

James Ford 2.0 is damn. Juliet!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is omg.

James Ford 2.0 is OMGZ JULIET IT'S ME!

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is omgz.

James Ford 2.0 is wow. It's me, baby! I gotcha this time.

The Audience is aw.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is bawling. Kiss me, dammit!

James Ford 2.0 is you got it, Blondie.

Juliet Carlson 2.0 is damn, I love when your nicknames sound sexy. Let's make out.

James Ford 2.0 is okay.

Jack Shephard 2.0 totally missed the concert, but is walking around aimlessly and attempting to make a call.

Kate Austen 2.0 is hey. It's over.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is um, excuse me?

Kate Austen 2.0 is duh, the concert. IT'S OVER.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is dammit.

Kate Austen 2.0 is so. You looking for someone?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is yeah, my son. I was supposed to come here with him tonight, but then all this shit happened, and...

Kate Austen 2.0 is please stop talking.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is LOL, people always tell me that. Also, I totally remember you from somewhere.

Kate Austen 2.0 stole your pen, dumbass.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is whaaa??

Kate Austen 2.0 is duh, Oceanic 815. I was half molesting you, half stealing your pen?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is srsly? THAT'S how I know you?

Kate Austen 2.0 is oh, Jack. You are so slow. No, that is not how you know me.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is really confused now.

The Audience is OMGZ JACK IT'S KATE STOP BEING SO STUPID.

Kate Austen 2.0 is for reals. Here, let me molest you again so I can jog your memory.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WHOA IT'S KATE WHOA.

Kate Austen 2.0 has missed you so much!!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WHOA WE'RE MAKING OUT IN THE JUNGLE WHOA....omg, why do I keep having these random flashbacks? So annoying!

Kate Austen 2.0 is sigh. You are being a complete pain in the ass right now, I hope you know that. Are you okay?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WHAT THE FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

Kate Austen 2.0 is well, what's happening is that you are too fucking stupid to figure it out.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is SRSLY, WHO ARE YOU?

Kate Austen 2.0 is okay, I realize you don't understand right now. But if you come with me, you will.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WTF?

Hugo Reyes is helping poor stabbed Jack walk to wherever it is they're going.

Benjamin Linus is still tagging along.

Jack Shephard is instructing them to go over there.

Benjamin Linus is oh damn, I wish this earthquake would stop being so annoying.

Jack Shephard is for reals, I feel like all my insides are going to spill out.

Hugo Reyes is ew. Okay good, it stopped. So how are we gonna get down there?

Jack Shephard is um, WE'RE not. I'm going alone.

Hugo Reyes is what? You can't go down there alone!

Benjamin Linus is shhh!! If he wants to go into the scary cavern by himself, LET HIM.

Hugo Reyes is WTF dude, Dez didn't make it, how the hell do YOU expect to survive?

Jack Shephard is okay, a) I am slightly insulted, and b) duh, I don't expect to.

Hugo Reyes is NO! I AM NOT LETTING YOU DIE, DAMMIT!

Jack Shephard is already dead, dammit.

Hugo Reyes is NOOOOOO! You have to protect the island!

Jack Shephard is duh, that's what I'm doing.

Hugo Reyes is NO! You're committing suicide!

Jack Shephard is whatever, this is how it has to happen. THIS IS WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO!

Hugo Reyes is NO! YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE, DAMMIT!

Craphole Island needs Jack!

Jack Shephard is Hurley, calm down. I need you.

Hugo Reyes is uh oh.

Jack Shephard is srsly, it needs to be you!

Hugo Reyes is oh fuck.

Benjamin Linus is what the fuck, why can't it be me????

Hugo Reyes is dude, I can't!!

Jack Shephard is COME ON.

Hugo Reyes is dude, it's supposed to be YOU.

Jack Shephard is um, only so I can do this! You're the one who needs to protect Craphole!

Hugo Reyes isn't so sure.

Jack Shephard believes in Hurley.

Hugo Reyes is wahhh. Okay, FINE, I'll do it.

Jack Shephard is YES!

Hugo Reyes is calm down, it's only temporary. I am giving it right back to you once you come back up.

Jack Shephard is okay, okay.

Benjamin Linus is DAMN YOU EARTHQUAKE.

Jack Shephard really wishes it would quit doing that. Anybody have anything to drink out of? Like a cup?

Benjamin Linus is um, I have this nasty water bottle. Will that work?

Jack Shephard is yesssss, it's perfect!

Jacob is um, way to downgrade. I got served wine, then I served you water in a tin cup.

Jack Shephard is shut up.

Benjamin Linus is ew, that water looks disgusting.

Hugo Reyes is yeah, I really DON'T wanna drink that.

Jack Shephard is whatever, I'm making you.

Hugo Reyes is sigh. Fine.

The Audience is ew.

Hugo Reyes is ugh, this is so gross. Is that it?

Jack Shephard is WHOO! Now you're like me!

Hugo Reyes is oh.

The Audience is FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HURLEY DO NOT GROW A JACKBEARD.

Jack Shephard is yeah, that's probably not a good idea.

Hugo Reyes is well duh!

Frank Lapidus is well, second time's a charm! At least, it better be, cuz we ain't got enough battery power for a third time.

Richard Alpert is ooo, look at all the stuff lighting up.

Miles Straume is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THAT DAMN DUCT TAPE WORK.

Richard Alpert is so, are we good?

Frank Lapidus is YESSSSSSSSSS!! Pure music, baby!

Hugo Reyes is instructing Ben on how to lower Jack down the waterfall properly.

Jack Shephard is for reals.

Benjamin Linus is what the fuck ever, I can handle it. IF IT WEREN'T FOR THESE DAMN EARTHQUAKES, THAT IS.

Jack Shephard is true story. But, at least I'm down here now.

Desmond Hume is srsly, it's about time.

Jack Shephard is slowly making his way over to Dez, thanks to bleeding side and damn earthquake. Yo Dez, can you hear me?

Desmond Hume is huh?

Jack Shephard is hmm, I guess not.

Desmond Hume put out the light. But it didn't work. I was supposed to LEAVE this place!

Jack Shephard is whatever, I've got you now, c'mon.

Desmond Hume is ow.

Jack Shephard is ow.

Desmond Hume is sigh, I'm still here. You were right, Jack.

Jack Shephard is well, how bout that? There's a first time for everything!

The Audience is LOLZ.

Desmond Hume has to put it back! It was kinda like a drain thingy.

Jack Shephard is so lemme get this straight, you took the stone out of the hole there?

Desmond Hume is yup...hey, wait a sec! Jack, you can't! It'll kill you! It has to be me!

Jack Shephard is whatever, you've done enough. Go home.

Desmond Hume needs to be with his wife and son...but wait, what about you?

Jack Shephard will see ya in another life, brotha.

The Audience is aww.

Desmond Hume is okay, now go.

Jack Shephard is oh, right.

Sawyer decided to keep his shirt on for this particular swim to shore.

The Audience is BOOOOOOO.

Kate Austen is I know, right? Oh look, it's Claire!

Claire Littleton is sup? Are these damn earthquakes driving you crazy too?

Kate Austen is OMGZ, YES!

Sawyer is yes, but not as much as they're driving Craphole crazy.

Craphole Island is for reals, I just lost a finger! Or maybe a toe.

The Audience is toe, definitely toe.

Sawyer is whatever that was, it ain't good.

Frank Lapidus needs Miles to be his eyes while he backs out.

Richard Alpert needs to be the go-between.

Kate Austen is what up, Claire? You okay?

Claire Littleton is um, NO.

Kate Austen is crap.

Sawyer is yes indeed. Also, the plane is totally about to leave right now.

Frank Lapidus is backing the plane out.

Sawyer is WHAT THE FUCK FRANK I TOLD YOU TO WAIT. C'mon guys, we gotta go!

Kate Austen is for reals, Claire, COME ON.

Claire Littleton is NOOOOO, I can't!!!!!!

Kate Austen is OMG WHY?????

Claire Littleton is SRSLY, LOOK AT ME. I AM FERAL! YOU DON'T PUT FERAL THINGS INTO CIVILIZATION!

Craphole Island made Claire crazy.

Claire Littleton doesn't want Aaron to see her like this.

Kate Austen is aww.

Claire Littleton doesn't even know how to be a mother anymore.

Kate Austen is calm down, none of us do, at least not at first. But you're not alone!

Claire Littleton is hmm.

Kate Austen is srlsy, I can help you, as long as we HURRY THE FUCK UP AND GO NOW!

Claire Littleton is hmm.

Kate Austen is c'mon, let's go.

Claire Littleton is okay.

Sawyer is jeez, it's about time!

Frank Lapidus wants to know if it's clear.

Richard Alpert is yo Miles, are we clear?

Miles Straume is YEAH!

Richard Alpert is okay, he says we're good!

Frank Lapidus hopes Miles was right, cuz he is gonna spin that plane around RIGHT NOW. So y'all better hold on.

Sawyer is oh noes, we're gonna miss our flight!

Kate Austen is dude, tell him to stop!

Sawyer is oh, right. YO LAPIDUS!

Frank Lapidus can't come to the walkie right now. I AM TRYING TO GET A PLANE UP IN THE AIR. Okay Miles, we're good to go!

Miles Straume is okay, then I'm shutting the door.

Frank Lapidus is hmm, I should probably put my seat belt on now.

Richard Alpert thinks that would be a good idea.

Miles Straume concurs.

Frank Lapidus is ready for liftoff...oh, what the fuck is this?

Sawyer is OMGZ LAPIDUS, WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER ME?

Frank Lapidus is sigh. I guess we have some late arrivals, so we'd best open the door.

Sawyer is damn straight!

Frank Lapidus is come on people!

Richard Alpert is oh, right.

Jack Shephard should really be plugging the rock back in, but he's in a lot of pain right now. Okay, now I'm ready. Damn, this fucker is heavy!

Desmond Hume is ew, I'm glad I only had to take it out.

Jack Shephard has almost got it in there! Yes, I got it! Oh wow, I need to rest now.

Miles Straume is opening the door.

Sawyer is getting his girls to the plane.

Richard Alpert is helping Miles toss down a ladder.

Claire Littleton is climbing up the ladder.

Frank Lapidus is hurry up y'all, we're running out of time!

Claire Littleton is wow, this plane is fancy!

Kate Austen is sigh, things were much more simpler when I got on this plane the first time.

Miles Straume is way to wait until the last second, Jim.

Sawyer is shut up. Good to see you too, Enos.

The Audience is aww.

Richard Alpert is okay, we got 'em all!

Frank Lapidus is okay everybody, you'd better buckle the fuck up and hold on! We're leaving for reals this time! (Hopefully.)

The Audience is aww, look how cute, they're all in their comfy airplane seats.

Sawyer is looking over to make sure the girls are okay.

Claire Littleton is going to miss being feral.

Richard Alpert is going to miss not aging.

Miles Straume is going to miss all these shenanigans. NOT.

Frank Lapidus is hold your horses people, we ain't done just yet. I've still gotta get this damn thing in the air.

Sawyer is ugh, please hurry it up then.

Claire Littleton is having feral withdrawals.

Kate Austen is holding Claire's hand to help her get through it.

Frank Lapidus is come on, Ajira plane! COME ON!...YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Audience is aw.

Frank Lapidus is amen.

Kate Austen is whoo!!

Richard Alpert is damn.

Miles Straume is wow, this is kind of awesome.

Kate Austen is seriously.

Claire Littleton can't wait to see Aaron.

Kate Austen is hehe, and she doesn't even know about her mom being out of the coma.

Claire Littleton is glad Kate convinced her to get her ass on the plane.

Kate Austen is no problem.

Sawyer kinda wishes Jack had made it on the plane.

Jack Shephard is yeah, me too. I'm sweating like a pig down here.

Craphole Island is calm down, here's a shower.

Jack Shephard is yay, thanks!

Craphole Island is suck it bitches, my light is shiny and new again!

Jack Shephard is ah, it is SOOOOOOOO pretty!

Benjamin Linus is whoa. He did it! The light's back on!

Hugo Reyes is dude, we need to pull him back up then!

Benjamin Linus is ugh, that's the part I don't like.

Hugo Reyes is hang on Jack!!!

Jack Shephard is calm down, I'm taking a shower.

Desmond Hume is for reals, where are all the "hang on Desmond"s?????

Hugo Reyes is yo, we got him! Wait, Desmond? No! JACK, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Jack Shephard is finishing his shower, dammit!

Hugo Reyes is JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't use up all the hot water!

Jesus Statue is sup?

John Locke 2.0 is arriving in his taxi.

Taxi Driver is fetching J. Locke's wheelchair.

John Locke 2.0 is ugh.

Locke's Wheelchair is ahem, don't forget to pay the driver.

John Locke 2.0 is oh, right.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is for reals, don't make me strangle you.

John Locke 2.0 is well hello Benjamin.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is hello John.

John Locke 2.0 wants to know if everybody's already inside.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is um...most of them, I think.

John Locke 2.0 is okay then.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is very sorry for what he did to Locke.

John Locke 2.0 is oh, this should be good.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 was selfish and jealous.

John Locke 2.0 is um...and?

Benjamin Linus 2.0 wanted everything Locke had.

John Locke 2.0 is hmm. This conversation is going to be more interesting than I thought. What did I have?

John Locke was special.

John Locke 2.0 is O RLY?

Benjamin Linus wasn't special.

John Locke 2.0 is hmm, that is SO true. But I forgive you.

The Audience is aww.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is damn. Wasn't expecting that! But thanks, that does help.

John Locke 2.0 is yeah, I bet.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is srsly, it matters more than i can say.

John Locke 2.0 is um, so what are you gonna do now? Just sit here all night?

Benjamin Linus 2.0 has some things he still needs to work out.

The Audience is yeah, he's gonna be sitting there a while if he's waiting for every single person he got killed to walk by.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is shut up. But yes, I think I'll stay here a while.

John Locke 2.0 is well, I'll leave you to it then.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is by the way, dumbass, why are you still sitting in that wheelchair?

John Locke 2.0 is hey, you're right! I can walk! Good riddance, damn wheelchair!

Locke's Wheelchair is WAHHHHH, DON'T ABANDON ME!!!

John Locke 2.0 is fuck you!

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is ahem. Language, Locke!

John Locke 2.0 is whatever. Bye Ben!

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is later.

John Locke 2.0 is WALKING up the steps. It's very exciting.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is okay, we get it, you're awesome.

John Locke 2.0 is going inside, ignoring Ben.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is sigh.

Desmond Hume is ahem, can y'all NOT ignore me?

Benjamin Linus is oh, right. Here's a pillow.

Hugo Reyes is waiting for Jack to come back.

The Audience is um, good luck with that.

Benjamin Linus thinks Desmond is going to be okay.

Hugo Reyes is whatever.

Benjamin Linus is hey, pay attention!

Hugo Reyes is DUDE. Jack's gone, isn't he?

Benjamin Linus is well. Yes.

Hugo Reyes is sigh. I am so sad, I must cry now.

Benjamin Linus is oh, stop that.

Jack Shephard did his job.

Hugo Reyes is ew, don't remind me, it's my job now. WTF am I supposed to do?????

Benjamin Linus is duh, what you do best: take care of people.

Hugo Reyes is um.

Benjamin Linus is duh, how about you get Desmond home?

Penelope Widmore is for reals.

Hugo Reyes is um, how am I supposed to do that????? People can't leave the island!

Jacob is um, those were my rules. I never said y'all had to do the same thing.

Benjamin Linus is for reals, maybe there's another way. A BETTER way.

Jacob is hey!

Benjamin Linus is whatevs. Hurley, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Hugo Reyes is hmm. Will you help me?

Benjamin Linus is whaaaaa???

Hugo Reyes is duh, I need someone with experience to help me.

Benjamin Linus is oooo, I have experience!

Hugo Reyes is sooo...will you help me?

Benjamin Linus is FUCK YEAH I WILL! I'D BE HONORED!

Hugo Reyes is okay. You're hired.

Benjamin Linus is YAY!

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is still chillin' outside.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is coming outside for a smoke. Um, I mean, to talk to Ben. Sup?

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is hello Hugo!!

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is um...we're all inside.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 doesn't think he's coming in.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is well, okay. But FYI, you were a real good number two.

The Audience is aww!!!!!

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is gee thanks. You were a great number one.

Hugo Reyes 2.0 is thanks dude. I'll see ya.

Benjamin Linus 2.0 is hmm.

Jack Shephard 2.0 has arrived at the party.

Kate Austen 2.0 is um, do you even know where we are?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is oh yeah, this is where I was gonna have my father's funeral.

Christian Shephard 2.0 died in Australia.

Kate Austen 2.0 is sorry.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is thanks. But, um, why did you bring me here?

Kate Austen 2.0 is DUH, because this is where you were gonna have your father's funeral. Jeez, you are so dumb sometimes.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is confused.

Kate Austen 2.0 is of course you are. You can go in around back.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is wait, where are you going?

Kate Austen 2.0 is duh, inside. But I'm awesome enough to go in the front door.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is oh.

Kate Austen 2.0 will be waiting for Jack there, once he's ready.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is um, ready for what?

Kate Austen 2.0 is duh, to leave.

Jack Shephard 2.0 isn't sure he wants to leave with this crazy woman.

Kate Austen 2.0 is bitch please, YOU'RE the crazy one.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is jeez, I am so confused.

Jack Shephard is napping on the rocks. Wait, how did I get on the rocks? Damn, my side hurts.

Angel Statue is HAHAHAHA, Jack has to go in through the losers' entrance in the back!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is hey! Don't judge me! I have to go say hi to my dad's coffin! Sigh, I don't want to touch it.

The Audience is yes you do. You love touching coffins.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is you're right, I totally do. WHOA ME WAKING UP ON THE ISLAND WHOA BAMBOO WHOA...damn this shit is weird.

The Audience is well, maybe you should stop feeling up coffins.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is but, but! I can't resist! WHOA ME DASHING THROUGH THE BAMBOO TO THE PLANE WRECKAGE WHOA ME HELPING MY LITTLE SISTER NOT DIE WHOA ME SAVING ROSE WHOA ME SAVING CHARLIE WHOA ME YELLING AT HURLEY WHOA ME TRYING TO SAVE BOONE WHOA ME HELPING SHANNON WITH HER ASTHMA WHOA ME LAUGHING WITH SUN WHOA ME WRESTLING WITH LOCKE WHOA LOCKE CREEPING ME OUT WHOA SAWYER BEING CIVIL TO ME WHOA ME CALLING THE FREIGHTER WHOA ME LEAVING ON THE HELICOPTER WITH KATE WHOA KATE ALMOST SHOOTING ME WHOA KATE VISITING ME IN MY AQUARIUM WHOA KATE STUMBLING HER WAY INTO HAVING TO STITCH ME UP WHOA ME MAKING OUT WITH KATE WHOA...whoa. What just happened?

The Audience is well, we're paying you back for making us have to sit through countless recap shows for the past six years!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is holy shit, man. I guess I should open this coffin instead of continuing to feel it up...crap, it's empty.

Oceanic Airlines is uh oh. WE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, WE SWEAR!

Jack Shephard 2.0 is whatever.

Christian Shephard 2.0 is hey kiddo.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is WHAT THE FUCK.

Christian Shephard 2.0 is sup?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is OMGZ, DAD????

Christian Shephard 2.0 is hello Jack.

Jack Shephard 2.0 doesn't understand.

The Audience is does he ever?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is srsly, YOU DIED.

Christian Shephard 2.0 is um, yeah.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is wait a sec. IF YOU'RE DEAD THEN HOW ARE YOU HERE????

Christian Shephard 2.0 is sigh. How are YOU here?

Jack Shephard 2.0 is um.

Christian Shephard 2.0 is come on, you're not THAT stupid.

Jack Shephard 2.0 is oh crap. I died too.

Christian Shephard is ding ding ding!

Jack Shephard is holy crap.

Christian Shephard is oh, calm down, it's okay.

Jack Shephard is WAHHHHHH, I'M DEAD.

Christian Shephard is hugging his son.

Jack Shephard is crying. (Yes, I admit it.)

Christian Shephard is wow. I'm impressed!

Jack Shephard is wow. I love you, Dad.

Christian Shephard is yeah, I love you too.

Jack Shephard is but seriously, are you real?

Christian Shephard is um, I hope so.

Jack Shephard is LOL.

Christian Shephard is LOL indeed. Also, you are real, and everything that's ever happened to you is real.

The Audience is WHATEVER HAPPENED, HAPPENED.

Christian Shephard is oh, and all those people in the church are real too.

Jack Shephard is WHAT? They're all dead????

Christian Shephard is duh, everyone dies some time.

Jack Shephard is WAHHHHHH.

Christian Shephard is yeah, some of them before you, some long after you.

Jack Shephard is um, then why are they all here now?

Christian Shephard is well. Technically, there is no "now" here.

Jack Shephard is okay, can you please just tell me where the fuck we are?

Christian Shephard is well. Y'all made this place together so you could find each other.

Jack Shephard can't believe they were all smart enough to think of that together, but okay.

Christian Shephard is oh, you'd be surprised. But really, the most important part of your life was the time you spent with these people.

The Audience is true dat. SIX YEARS, Y'ALL.

Jack Shephard is wow, that's right.

Christian Shephard is so, that's why all of you are here. Because, stubborn as you are, nobody does it alone, Jack.

Jack Shephard needed all of them.

Christian Shephard is for reals. And they needed you.

The Audience is aww.

Jack Shephard is um, for what?

Christian Shephard is sigh. To remember.

Jack Shephard is um, can't we just read the recaps?

The Audience is HAHAHAHAHAHA Jack, it's about time you learned that trick!

Christian Shephard is also, to let go. Cuz everybody knows you need to do more of that, Jack.

Jack Shephard is LOL.

Kate Austen said they were leaving.

Christian Shephard is pshh, that silly girl, you're not leaving, you're MOVING ON.

Jack Shephard is ooo, where are we going?

Christian Shephard is well, let's go find out.

Jack Shephard is okay!

Christian Shephard is leading Jack out.

Jack Shephard is wow, that's a lot of people.

The Audience is aww look, the Losties are mingling!

Shannon Rutherford is bitch please, I'm like thisclose to sexing Sayid.

Sayid Jarrah is ooo, me likey.

Nadia Jarrah is FUCK. YOU.

Sayid Jarrah is oops. I still loves you, Nadia!

John Locke is LOLZ.

Hugo Reyes is yo Jin, that's my girl, watch where you put those hands.

Jack Shephard is look, they're having so much fun! I wanna join in!

Christian Shephard is um, no one's stopping you.

Jack Shephard is well, my stab wound is stopping me from walking properly.

John Locke is sup Jack? We've been waiting for you!

Jack Shephard is aww, thanks.

Jack Shephard is about to collapse.

Desmond Hume is sup brotha?

Penelope Widmore is sup Jack!

Desmond Hume is let's hug.

Jack Shephard is for sure, brotha!

Desmond Hume is awh, this is nice.

Boone Carlyle is hugging Sawyer. It is quite nice, actually. Sup Jack?

Jack Shephard is awh, Boone!

The Audience is awh, Boone!

Boone Carlyle is hugging Jack.

Jack Shephard wishes somebody was around to hug him right now. Or just to help him walk.

The Audience is awww, poor Jack. Oh ew, there's that nasty shoe still hanging in the tree three years later.

Hugo Reyes is okay y'all, it's my turn to hug Jack.

Jack Shephard is whoa there, I thought we were hugging, but you are totally lifting me off the ground!

Jack Shephard is damn, I am exhausted.

Jack Shephard is laughing with Hurley.

Shannon Rutherford is cooing over widdle Aaron.

Charlie Pace is busy being a proud daddy.

Aaron Littleton doesn't know why he is still a baby post-death.

Claire Littleton is oh hush sweetie.

Sun Kwon is calm down Aaron, Ji Yeon's still in my tummy. At least you've been born post-death.

Shannon Rutherford is look Sayid, look how cute the baby is! I want babies!

Sayid Jarrah is um, we're dead. But okay.

Jack Shephard doesn't mean to be rude to Libby, but I must hug the other half of my bromance.

James "Sawyer" Ford is damn straight!

The Audience is AWWWWWWWWWWW.

Kate Austen is aww, they're so cute.

Jack Shephard is OH MAH GAH, IT'S KATE.

Kate Austen is hey boo!

James "Sawyer" Ford is watching Juliet hug Hurley.

Jack Shephard is still stumbling around.

Jack Shephard is staring at Kate.

Kate Austen is smiling at Jack.

James "Sawyer" Ford is grinning in the background.

Jack Shephard is taking Kate's hand.

Jack Shephard would take this bamboo's hand, but it doesn't have any.

Kate Austen is leading Jack to their seat.

Jack Shephard is yes, I need to sit down. Well, more like lie down.

Jack Shephard is sitting down.

Jack Shephard is collapsing onto the ground.

Kate Austen is snuggling up next to Jack.

Jack Shephard is dammit Kate, where are you to stitch me up this time?

Jack Shephard is smiling at Kate as everybody takes their seats.

Shannon Rutherford is sitting down with her boo Sayid.

Sayid Jarrah is praying Nadia doesn't come over to kick his ass.

John Locke is oh, this is so fun! I wish Ben had joined us!

Penelope Widmore is glad she got an invite.

Desmond Hume is well, duh. We're the bestest Lost couple there ever was. Except for all the other ones.

Bernard Nadler is yeah, like us.

Rose Nadler is damn straight!

Juliet Burke looks THRILLED to be sitting in between Boone and Sawyer.

Sun Kwon is hey, speaking of awesome Lost couples, hello: ME AND JIN.

Jin Kwon is damn straight!

Juliet Burke is making out with Sawyer.

James "Sawyer" Ford is that's right Boone, BE JEALOUS.

Boone Carlyle is whatevs. On my other show I am a vampire and can have any damn woman I want.

John Locke is ooo, that show sounds good.

Christian Shephard is patting his son on the shoulder.

Jack Shephard is aww, thanks Dad!

Jack Shephard is chillin' on the floor of the bamboo forest.

Vincent is sup?

Jack Shephard is holy shit, VINCENT!

Vincent is licking Jack.

Jack Shephard is hey, that tickles! But it's cute.

Vincent is gonna lie down next to Jack.

Jack Shephard would pet Vincent, but he doesn't want to get blood on his nice yellow coat.

Kate Austen is um, Christian? You can let go of my boo's shoulder now.

Christian Shephard is okay, okay.

Jack Shephard is oh wow, this is exciting.

Kate Austen is I know, right?

Christian Shephard is walking to the doors of the church and opening them.

The Audience is HOLY SHIT THAT LIGHT IS BRIGHT.

John Locke is but, but! It's so pretty!

Bernard Nadler is true story.

Rose Nadler is whatever.

Hugo Reyes is yeah, it's pretty awesome.

Libby Smith is yeah!

Charlie Pace feels like he's on drugs, but he's not.

Claire Littleton is um, you better not be!

Kate Austen is wow, this light really is something, isn't it?

Jack Shephard is damn straight.

Jack Shephard is oh wow.

Vincent is shut up, I'm trying to nap. Oh, and comfort you as you are so very obviously dying.

Jack Shephard is yes. Yes I am. Oh hey, is that that Ajira plane?

Frank Lapidus is damn straight! Sorry we forgot you!

Jack Shephard is eh, that's okay. I'm pretty damn happy right now.

Jack Shephard is for reals.

Jack Shephard is about to do what The Audience has been dreading.

The Audience is oh noes!

Jack Shephard is closing his eye. It's been fun, y'all.

The Audience is rest in peace, Jack. And rest in peace, Lost.

Damon Lindelof is going into hiding.

Carlton Cuse is going with him.